Evolve or Repeat

https://video.wixstatic.com/video/d2ff59_802970068cfc409b825b618f52b42b15/480p/mp4/file.mp4

I believe that to live a fully integrated life, there are many facets of our selves to feed and explore. This becomes a balancing act of sorts between finding fulfillment in the individuation process while also not overcommitting, overextending, or misleading ourselves down harmful paths.

Lately I have been incredibly grateful for the current evolution of my fitness and physical health. In 2019, I was in a difficult place. My body had been through a lot and I had just experienced a massively traumatic upheaval in my life that resulted in a big change in my income and a massive shift of my internal topography in ways I could have never imagined. My entire support system seemed to crumble from my grasp like sand and I realized how deeply entrenched I’d been in survival mode for my entire life… and a very magical thing happened after that.

When I realized how exhausted I was from fighting against what felt like the current of my life, I stopped. The voice that used to shame me into action went silent, and I grounded very deeply down into solitude and rest, only allowing myself to focus on what mattered… which was honoring my patients at my healthcare jobs, finishing my pre-req classes, and nailing the MCAT, at the time.

From that point on, I stopped caring what my body looked like and allowed myself to move as I felt appropriate… which turned out to be a lot more yin-type stretching, yoga, and rest than anything else. I started getting into breath work and getting more comfortable with being still in my own body. I sobbed mysterious tears in stolen moments of solitude between classes, work, and studying. I was already fairly deep into social withdrawal by the time the pandemic rolled around in 2020.

The world stood still for a while, and so did I. The minimal routines I did have in place fell away with the chaos of the virus and yet I still grounded deeper into this rest. I stopped resisting it. I stopped dancing, I stopped hooping, I stopped my fire art… I spent a whole year just being with my body without any goals or expectations, and it was one of the most healing and nourishing undertakings I have ever committed myself to. Waves of shame and harshness washed out of my mental vocabulary; and to my delight, the gentler I was able to be with myself, the gentler I was able to be with others. My body softened in ways I had never seen before and I remember standing squarely in the mirror and telling myself, “it’s okay to be soft here and now. You deserve to rest.”

For me, it was this soft and dark space that allowed for the gestation of inspiration for me to begin building my strength and creativity back. In 2021, I decided I wanted to pursue aerial & fire arts again but knew from my previous experience that they take a certain pre-requisite level of ability and athleticism. In an effort to prevent injury and demonstrate further love and care for my body, I began with running and weight lifting.

The weights started off tiny… I’m talking the 5lb dumbbells… sometimes even the 2.5s depending on what muscle group I was addressing! The miles made me want to vomit and writhe in pain from cramps, and I could only make it half a mile for a few months. Despite being a lifelong athlete, I committed myself to full nonjudgment of my progress and simply did exercised whenever I felt moved… and most importantly, I stopped when my body told me to stop, even if I was dissatisfied with my performance.

The correlations between physical movement and my mental health became undeniable and that became enough to sustain semi-consistent motivation. I started challenging myself to just show up and whatever I could put out would be good enough. I made new friendships with healthy people that would make gym dates with me or text me to motivate me to go even if they weren’t.

Week by week, the weights got lighter and I’d move up. My body became stronger and my aerial skills began coming back. My dancing and hooping feels better than ever with the amount of strength and control I have over my body. Half a mile turned into a mile and that mile started getting faster and turned into more. I started gaining weight and I honestly have to say I’m incredibly proud of myself for making it to this point where I can begin lifting with Olympic bars!

It may not seem like much to all the fitness junkies out there, but this video represents the culmination of all my internal successes. It represents an extended, intentional period of rest that I wholly deserved (and continue deserving). It represents a renewed sense of trust in the process and sense of strength and capability.

I remember watching myself lose strength as I rested in 2020 and nervously wondering if I was misleading myself. I remember not judging myself but wondering if I’d ever *want* to push myself again, in any capacity (I feel like this is a super common thing for us complex trauma survivors). My favorite truths always seem to be the paradoxes in life… the surrender-to-achieve, embrace-to-release type of counterintuitive truth that leaves you laughing once you realize it in all its glorious simplicity.

This is another one of those delicious paradoxical truths: to reach our full productive potential in any capacity, our journey requires intentional and sometimes even uncomfortable and extensive REST. It also requires PACING. Cultivating patience is never anyone’s favorite task, but the rewards from these realizations have already bloomed more blessings into my life than I could have imagined otherwise.

I intentionally chose this audio for my video but want to state an important caveat to the advice of “evolve, or repeat”:

Evolve, or repeat does not mean you need to be hitting the gym, office, books, or whatever it is your pursuing every single day of your life or else you’re failing. No, I mean quite the opposite here.

For us to truly reach our full potential, our evolution is complex and requires discernment every day of the process. Some days rest will be your evolution, but other days it will be pushing yourself to your limits. Things get juicy when we begin to surf these waves of insight and intuition by learning the language of our physical body, and using this newfound wisdom to navigate our days in ever-evolving ways that feel fulfilling and peaceful.

Where ever you may be on your physical journey, could you do me a favor today? Try to honor where you are and lean a little more deeply into your own body’s wisdom. Take a big deep breath, exhale any shame, doubt, or judgment from your mind, and listen even more intently to what it has to say.